Even if you’re in the most secure partnership of all time, it’s human to wonder about textbook signs of cheating. Or, on the other hand, if you have some sneaking suspicions, it’s important to be aware of relationship red flags so you can protect yourself. Cheating “isn’t always black and white,” says Samantha Burns, L.M.H.C., couples therapist and author of Breaking Up and Bouncing Back, but there are some tell-tale signs that something’s up.

Cheating can be both physical and emotional, and involves breaking the covert or overt boundaries of your relationship, Burns says. “Since cheating is cloaked in secrecy, the person is doing their best not to arouse suspicion in their partner,” adds licensed marriage and family therapist Lesli Doares, author of Blueprint for a Lasting Marriage. “The cheater’s goal is to not get caught and then have to deal with the consequences. They strive to make everything appear normal.”

With that being said, it’s easy to draw conclusions about a partner based on pre-existing beliefs, says psychologist Paul Coleman, Psy.D., author of Finding Peace When Your Heart Is In Pieces, so self-awareness of personal biases (Do you tend to be overly trusting? Overly skeptical?) is key to your relationship analysis.

Below, experts outline the most common warning signs of infidelity. Noticing just one may not be a surefire sign of an unfaithful partner, but if you check multiple boxes in this list, it may be time to have a vulnerable chat.

They’re suddenly unreachable.

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Here, change is the important factor. If your partner has a job that makes it tough to reach them during certain hours of the day, it doesn’t mean they’re cheating. But if you’re suddenly struggling to reach them when you could in the past, and it’s a consistent issue, that should raise a red flag.

“Cheaters need privacy and blocks of uninterrupted time,” Coleman points out. “Someone engaged in an ongoing affair must be periodically unreachable.” After all, they don’t want to risk you hearing suspicious voices or background noises.

Their schedule changes with no good explanation.

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Most people have predictable schedules, and even if their schedule changes, there’s usually a reason that makes sense. “Someone who must ‘work late’ all of a sudden at times that go beyond a reasonable explanation may be cheating,” Coleman says.

That’s especially true if this keeps happening when your partner has no new job, promotion, or project they’re working on.

Their friends don’t seem as friendly as they used to be.

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Cheaters tend to be less careful about covering their tracks in front of friends versus you. And, of course, people tend to confide in their friends. As a result, “there is a good chance your partner’s friends may know what’s really going on before you do,” Coleman says. Those friends may end up feeling uneasy and anxious around you because they know something you don’t

They have a decrease—or increase—in libido.

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It’s more common for cheaters to decrease the frequency of sex at home, given that they’re getting it elsewhere, Coleman says. But sometimes they try to have sex more at home. “Guilt-ridden people may increase lovemaking,” Coleman says. “Some will do so to cover their tracks. But some may do so to satisfy a partner so that the partner will not be seeking sex at a later time when the cheater knows he or she won’t be available.”

They’re suddenly paying more attention to their appearance.

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Sometimes people decide to focus on their appearance as part of a New Year’s resolution or choose to start a new fitness routine for health reasons—but they’re usually pretty open about it.

“The reasons and timing must make sense,” Coleman says. If your partner is suddenly wearing cologne or spending a lot of money on new clothes, and it was never their thing in the past, it’s “not unreasonable to inquire why,” Coleman says. If their answer doesn’t make sense, it should raise a red flag.

Their phone habits change.

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This can include a range of things, like changing their password or keeping their phone on them all the time when they used to leave it sitting out. “In committed partnerships, it’s not uncommon to know your partner’s password or be able to pick up their phone to look something up on the internet or snap a cute picture if your phone isn’t nearby,” says Burns. “If your partner seems possessive over their phone, or gets mad when you ask to use it, they may be hiding something.”

It can also include suspicious social media behaviors like following provocative accounts or people they don’t know, or engaging with suggestive posts. While these behaviors may be a warning sign of cheating, it is also a behavior that falls into a “gray area of infidelity” in itself, and one that sometimes becomes a “slippery slope” that leads to an affair, Burns explains. If you mention your concern to your partner and they “belittle you, or tell you that you’re being too sensitive, this is a red flag that they don’t respect you and will likely keep doing these behaviors,” says Burns

They don’t speak about your future together anymore.

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In a relationship, it’s normal to speak about the future in terms of “we” and “us,” which denotes that the two of you see each other staying together long-term.

It can definitely be concerning “if you feel like your partner is checking out of the relationship, no longer making future plans, or talking about long-term intentions,” Burns explains. “This sign doesn’t necessarily mean that there’s infidelity going on, but it does mean it’s time for a relationship talk so that you can see if you’re still on the same page, working towards the same shared goals.”

They become emotionally unavailable.

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In the same vein, if your partner once shared their emotions, thoughts, and feelings with you at length but has suddenly stopped, or is offering empty answers when you ask how they are, it could be a good idea to put your feelers out for more signs on this list.

What they say and what actually happens does not add up.

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“This is often how cheaters get caught,” Doares says. Maybe your partner says they needed to do something that doesn’t add up, or someone they say they were with slips that they weren’t. “The truth is easy but lies are hard to keep straight,” she says. “Objective evidence supports truth but often conflicts with lies.”

Sometimes they might simply opt to not say much at all. People usually share intimate details of their day with their partner. But when they’re cheating, that tends to shift to the new fling, Mayer says. As a result, they end up telling you less. Remember: “In committed relationships it is normal to tell your partner where you’ll be, who will be there, and what time you’re expecting to be home,” Burns explains. “If your partner is dodging these questions, or you find out they aren’t where they said they’d be or with someone different, then your suspicions might be justified.”

They always seem stressed or irritable.

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When a cheater’s energy is staunchly focused on not getting caught, they, understandably, may have trouble enjoying themselves in day to day tasks and activities. If your partner seems on-edge but work, home, family, and social lives seem stable, it may be worth investigating.

They get defensive when you ask why certain things have changed.

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Relationships change and evolve, but this should be something you can talk about as a couple. “If there is an innocent explanation for why some things have changed there is no need for defensiveness,” Coleman says. A cheater may answer a question with a question, like “Why do you ask?” or “Why is that important?” because they need more time to come up with an answer they can get away with, he says.

They start giving you more gifts than usual.

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Of course, loving partners give gifts. But cheaters take this to the next level to cover their tracks, Coleman says. It can be a way of reassuring you that they love you and are devoted to you “so that any subtle sign of cheating the partner uncovers can be readily dismissed as something ‘they would never do,’” he says.

Or they stop engaging in their typical love language.

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If your partner used to plan date nights, once craved physical affection, or would always prioritize acts of service but has suddenly disengaged, it could be a red flag.

Or they’re suddenly really critical of you.

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There’s something called cognitive dissonance that’s an uncomfortable state of inner anxiety and tension created when a person’s attitude about something (cheating is wrong) is the opposite of what they’re actually doing (cheating anyway), Coleman says.

To try to reduce that inner tension, they may try to justify their cheating by trying to convince themselves that you’re the problem. And that can come out as being hypercritical of you out of nowhere.

You notice unexplained money issues.

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“Large purchases or unexplained withdrawals can be an indication of cheating, but they can also uncover gambling or shopping addictions,” Burns explains, noting that it’s not unheard of to discover a cheating partner via things like Venmo transactions and bank deposits or withdrawals. “It’s best to confront your partner about it and see if their story makes sense. If the details don’t align, or your gut is still saying something feels off, be on high alert!”

They accuse *you* of cheating.

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This is a weird but common habit of cheaters—and there are a few reasons for it, Coleman says. By making your alleged behavior the issue, it puts you on the defensive and takes the focus off of them. It can also make you less likely to speak up about things that seem off because you don’t want to upset them, given that they’re already “worried” that you’re cheating. And it also gives them a reason to say they need “time away to think,” a.k.a. meet up with their lover.

They’re really on top of your schedule.

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It can feel a little odd when your partner keeps asking when you will and won’t be home—and it should. “The cheater needs to know the time slots when they can have the freedom and flexibility to spend time with their new romantic interest,” Mayer says. “They work hard not to get caught.”

They complain about you.

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If once-playful jokes or nabs begin to hit home a little harder than usual, or feel especially cruel, it could be your partner’s covert expression of dissatisfaction.

You just have a gut feeling.

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“In general, if your gut, a.k.a your intuition, is telling you something is wrong, it usually is,” Burns notes. “Our intuition is a superpower for survival that picks up on tiny clues or sensing when something feels off, so if this warning bell is going off in your body, then pay attention!” In a healthy relationship your partner should listen and be understanding when you raise your concerns, and work with you to help ease your fears and feel more secure moving forward.

Bottom line: If your partner is showing any of these signs, or things just don’t feel right to you, it’s perfectly acceptable to ask what’s going on, Mayer says. Hopefully, there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation.

How to deal with signs of cheating

If you notice signs of a cheating partner or have solid evidence of cheating, your emotional response may make it difficult to confront your partner, but it’s important these feelings (and your partner’s behaviors) are addressed.

Find a calm moment to speak with your partner about your concerns and give them a chance to do the same, and offer an explanation for their behaviors, real or perceived. “Communication is key for the success of any relationship,” Burns explains. “If they get defensive, blame you, or focus angrily on how you obtained this information, this is a red flag that your partner won’t be honest, won’t take accountability, or won’t put in the work to repair the relationship.”

If your suspicions of cheating are confirmed, you’ll have to make an important decision about the future of the relationship. There’s no one correct answer, but it’s worth noting that depending on the circumstances “couples can absolutely come out stronger on the other side of infidelity,” Burns says. “It requires a lot of work and communication, usually aided by couples therapy and individual therapy,” which will help you both learn to heal and rebuild trust.

CREDIT: PREVENTION